Tuesday, 4 February 2014

First Weekday Morning Ride aka Mental Bonk

So after last week's episode with the SUV, I decided to go on the MC LaPa midweek group ride - safety in numbers right?

Anyway, I'd heard because it was a flatter ride (no Torrington), it was a faster ride.

So we started, and I managed to stay in the middle of the bunch.

Then we hit the first hill (Little Bay) and I struggled coming out of the hill and from then on couldn't get back on the group no matter how hard I tried.

I kept going, trying to fight the little voices in my head.

Despite the bike shop team inviting me to the ride, my husband had previously implied that this ride was too fast for me and I couldn't do it.

When I couldn't get back on for ages, I mentally cracked and one of the voices inside my head said "he was right".

[To be honest, he was actually right, but he acknowledged in hindsight saying I couldn't do it wasn't a very helpful statement.]

I tried to keep going though and pushed through again.

And kept riding as hard as I could, but still couldn't get back on the group.

One of the bike shop guys stayed with me and tried to pace me back.

Eventually because the group waited for the group photo, I caught up.

Climbing on the way out of Breakwall, I managed to stick with the group but it was the last of my energy and I started wheezing so much, and then this wave of achiness and pain flowed over me and I thought "I can't do it".  

As soon as that thought went through my head, my wheezing turned into hyperventilation, which turned into slightly hysterical crying.

I was so angry at myself that I couldn't keep up.

And then I was so angry at myself for allowing myself to mentally give up and think negative thoughts.

And then I couldn't ride any more, because I had worked myself up into such a state and I had to pull over and stop.

Me: I'm just disappointed I can't hold the group.
Bike shop dude: So how long have you been riding?
Me: 3 months.
Bike shop dude: Yeah, and most of these guys have been riding for many years / at least a year, so go easy on yourself.  Don't beat yourself up, beating yourself up doesn't help you ever.

Anyway, so I calmed down and rode the rest of the route to the cafe.

Afterwards, we looked at my stats on Strava and I got a bunch of Personal Records up until I cracked a bit.  

So one of the reasons I cracked was because I was riding faster than I had ever ridden before.

I'm hoping that this type of exercise is good for me.  I've never been interested in "sport".

Hopefully I will develop those skills of blocking out those unwanted voices and focussing on what I want to achieve.

Unwanted voices could mean the reluctance to get on the bike (early mornings, winter, tiredness, etc).

It could mean aggressive motorists, other cyclists.

It could mean unconstructive colleagues.

This morning's ride was HARD though.  I now understand why people might want to go on social rides with other women.  


[EDIT: I think I push myself harder when I'm around guys.  And I like the fact that they tend to get awkward rather than encouraging when I whinge / whine, which provides me motivation not to whine.]

Hopefully the weather will clear up for the rest of the week and I can commute.  Get my legs moving without cycling them into the ground.

Yesterday I went pretty hard at boxing - because I was pairing the trainer, I had to do everything double everyone else and I also made sure I punched as hard as I could (because I knew he could take it).

Also, last week I did > 200km and I can always feel it all over when I do that many kms during the week.  It's some kind of threshold for me at the moment.

Anyway, it's been an interesting experience, despite being very overwhelming, it's interesting feeling what it's like to push myself to my limits.  I'm not sure I've ever done that before.

Hopefully I'll get better at dealing with what happens when I do it again (and again).

I was going to say "what happens when I get to my limit", but I'm not sure I believe there is a limit..

Damn you Jens Voigt - you inspire me so much and give me the belief it's all in my head..  :)


(image via www.team-dignitas.net)

(Although, if someone's going to take the ball away EVERY SINGLE TIME, it might get tiring...  Poor Charlie Brown...)

Note: I should probably learn not to beat myself up about not achieving my expectation, but I'm not really sure how you balance that off with wanting something so bad that you believe it's possible.  How else can you push yourself to achieve what you've never achieved before?